“Ask not what [Uncle Grump] can do for you, ask what you can do for [Uncle Grump].” -- John F. Kennedy
“Uncle Grump taught me how to keep my family under control and make them do anything I tell them to do.” -- “Chuck” Manson
“Spare the bat, and spoil the brat.” -- Grump Dumpkin, Jr.
Welcome to Uncle Grump’s Guide to Life, where you can get free advice from Uncle Grump, “Doctor” Grump, “Judge” Grump, Reverend Grump, and the newest member of the Grump Advice Group, Auntie Grump. You can also take advantage of our special "free" offers, receive valuable indoctrination from our Public Disservice Department, and find out everything you really didn't want to know about Uncle Grump’s attorney, Harduff Stone, the nastiest lawyer in the world. And if you are a publisher or literary agent who has blundered into this website, just click on the "Grump Literary Agency” button to learn why the millions of dollars in profits or commissions you could earn by helping Uncle Grump get published will not be worth the disintegration of your professional reputation, not to mention the indignant attention of the authorities.
Special Message from Uncle Grump's lawyer, Harduff Stone, Esquire: All right, you idiots, this is a satiric website. If you are the kind of person who saw Peter Pan and thought you could glide off the roof of your house just by sprinkling yourself with fairy dust and believing you could fly, you=re just going to get yourself in trouble with a website like this. Look, if you can’t tell the difference between satire and reality, there are plenty of other websites that cater to the terminally gullible. Like whitehouse.gov, for example. Or gop.com. Now get the hell out of my virtual office.
Warning: Side effects of viewing this website may include (but are not necessarily limited to) insanity, loss of savings, employment, and bowel control, sleep-diving, elephantiasis of the testicles (not really, but "Doctor" Grump thinks that this is a very funny disease), indefinite placement in a secure governmental facility, termination of parental rights, excommunication, exile, ex-spousehood, and eligibility for multiple Darwin Awards. There’s more, of course, but no one reads these warnings anyway. Chump.
Mandatory User Agreement ("MUA"): By viewing this website, which you have already done if you are reading this part, you authorize us (a) to install some ghastly piece of malware on your computer allowing us access to all of your personal data, which we may then sell to anyone who offers us the right price (yes, you can bid too); and (b) to send horrible predatory spam to everyone in your address book, in your name. MUAhahahahahaha. Nobody reads these things either, but even if you are the one person in the world who does, presumably because you have no life, it's too late to do anything about this. Sucker.
Unnecessarily Threatening Copyright Notice:
The material on this website is copyrighted. If Uncle Grump finds out that you have been using his material without permission, he will at first be very flattered that you think that his advice is actually worth stealing. Then he will call his lawyer. Uncle Grump is way too cheap to hire a topnotch and well-respected lawyer, so instead he has retained the most inhuman and least ethical lawyer in the world, Harduff Stone, Esquire. Yes, once he gets his hooks in you and makes you the object of his unwelcome attention, you will wish you could trade places with the lady who got sued for seventeen zillion dollars for illegally downloading three songs. But there is a bright side to all of this. Uncle Grump wants to help out his fellow writers, even those who plagiarize his work, and after you have scraped the shattered remains of your dignity off the courtroom floor, you will finally have the inspiration you need for your upcoming memoir, Sleeping in a Dumpster: How Uncle Grump and His Lawyer Took All My Money and Ruined My Life.
