Ask Uncle Grump (#45)
by Grump Dumpkin, Jr.
Dear Uncle Grump:
My husband and I have been wallowing in shame and helpless rage for the past week after we got this horrible letter from our son Bufftuck, who is in the United States Navy. He signed up because they told him that it was like being on a free round-the-world ocean cruise and that it could prepare him for a lucrative career as a cabin boy or rowboat captain or cannon fodder or something like that. Last month, they shipped him out to Antarctica to deal with a penguin threat to our territorial claims. We were so proud that our boy was fighting for our freedom.
Anyway, here is our son’s letter:
“Dear Mom and Dad,
I didn’t think much of my first month in the Navy, because I had to spend most of the time spit-shining the toilets and stuff like that, although it was kind of fun to shoot all those penguins who apparently (according to the CIA) were trying to build some kind of weapon of mass destruction to help them seize our territory in Antarctica. But everything changed a few days ago, right after that Nigerian Muslim president of ours signed that crazy bill ending the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.
When I got up that morning, everything was already changed. Almost all of the sailors (everyone except some of the new recruits) had these new uniforms, with hot pink striped blouses and matching tight leather shorts, with some kind of rhinestony motorcycle cap and pink sneakers with little white feather puff-ball decorations. They forced the rest of us to put on the new uniforms too. Then they put everyone to work painting the ship to look like a big rainbow. They even changed the name of the ship from the U.S.S. Greenwich to the U.S.S. Greenwich Village, although a lot of the sailors are calling it the H.M.S. Pinafore or The Good Ship Lollipop, which they think is a big giggle.
Then that night they forced me and the other recruits to go to an “initiation.” I am too ashamed to say what they did to us after the lights went out. It was even worse than that induction ceremony for the Junior Kiweernis Society. Anyway, I guess this means that I am officially gay now.
I went to my commanding officer to complain about the initiation, but soon I realized that he was the one telling the other sailors what to do to me in the dark. He told me that I had to be skilled at “accepting seamen” in the New Navy, and that I should stop complaining and learn to “bend over backward and forward” to accommodate my fellow sailors.
I am too embarrassed to tell poor Booby Lou that I am gay now and that we can’t get married any more like we planned after I finished my tour of duty. Maybe you can call her folks and tell them I got blown up in combat or eaten by sharks and that there will be no funeral because there is nothing to bury.
Love, Bufftuck (actually, now you have to call me “Buffy”)”
Now we don’t know what to do, Uncle Grump. I should probably mention that in our family we regard gay people as disgusting perverts and think they belong in jail or Hell. We don’t have anything against them, but what they are doing is just plain wrong, not to mention sinful, and most of them are child molesters if they get the chance. We sure don’t want anyone like that living in our neighborhood. So how do we tell our son that he’s not welcome here any more? -- Butcher’s Wife From Bilgewater, Idaho
Dear Butchy:
Don’t tell him anything. Just move. Far away. No forwarding address. Your neighbors are going to figure out what happened soon enough, since this has been going on in every branch of the armed services, which is apparently made up almost entirely of gay people who were pretending to be normal until they passed that stupid law as part of the Obama Homosexual Agenda. I warned you people this would happen. When I was young, it was legal to beat up gay people and put them in jail. Then that ultra-liberal United States Supreme Court said that everyone had a constitutional right to commit sodomy all day long and half the night. The next thing you know, it’s gonna be mandatory, and men won’t be allowed to marry women any more, and the biggest political party is gonna be NAMBLA. (I think that there may be something in that two-million page health care reform bill about that, but no one knows because no one has ever actually read it.) Obviously we need some kind of constitutional amendment to protect Americans like us from gay oppression. So call your representatives in Congress today. Again and again. Tell them it’s time to stop gay people from forcing their agenda down our throats.
