Ask Uncle Grump (#47)
by Grump Dumpkin, Jr.
Note to my readers: My idiotic editor says that my responses to your letters are too long-winded, and that people prefer a glib and snarky punch line in lieu of actual advice, especially when I am addressing a problem that most people aren’t going to run into very often. You know, like Dear Abby used to do. Well, no one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public, and if you have any doubt about this, then please explain to me why Dr. Phil and Dr. Laura and Glenn Beck are zillionaires. I can’t say if my own fan base can match up with their demographics. After all, many of you know how to read and write. Still, I think you’re probably dense enough to mistake witty wordplay for conscientious counseling, so here goes.
Dear Crabby:
My brother-in-law is a rancher, and he knows how much I like steak and hunting, so he shipped me a cow. At least I thought it was a cow until I tried to milk the danged thing. My nosy neighbor put a video of that on YouTube, and people were making some pretty awful comments about me. I decided it was time to take revenge on that hunka beef, but it was too risky using my hunting Uzi in a residential neighborhood because of all of the noise, so I tried putting him away with my crossbow. Unfortunately, my first shot just winged him, and before I knew what was happening, that monster knocked me over, ripped off my overalls, and had his way with me. Of course, now I’m on YouTube again. Worse, that beast hopped a fence and got away, so I didn’t even get to eat him.
I think my brother-in-law should at least pay for my anal reconstructive surgery and buy me a new pair of overalls, but my wife says I am nuts as usual. What do you think, Crabby? -- Growed-Up Good in Grumpton, Tennessee
Dear Grody:
I think you got stuck with a bum steer.
