Ask Uncle Grump (#48)
by Grump Dumpkin, Jr.
Dear Uncle Grump:
Our doctor says that our 12-year-old daughter should get a vaccination for HPV, which I looked up, and it stands for the Human Pastafazoola Virus, or something like that. Apparently, this is to protect her against some kind of sexually-transmitted cancer, and I don’t see how she needs that unless she is planning to have premarital sex, which we absolutely forbid. Also, my neighbor told me that during one of those televised Republican presidential debacles, Michele Bachmann said that she had been forced to get the HPV vaccination against her will and that this was what had made her retarded. Then I listened to one of her speeches on the television news, and I sure wouldn’t want my daughter to run around in public talking nonsense like that. So now I’m worried about what to do.
My husband says that our daughter isn’t very smart anyway, and he doesn’t think one shot will make a difference. Also, there is a Catholic church right up the street and they just built a mosque only around fifty miles away, and he says what if she gets molested by a priest or one of those Muslamic ministers? So now I’m really confused. I don’t want my daughter to get cancer, but I also don’t want to give her the idea that premarital sex is “okay” with us. I also don’t want her making the same mistakes I did, and getting pregnant at fourteen and being forced to get married to a guy who eats his dog’s boogers. So what should we do? -- Prudent Parent From Pitzville, Pennsylvania
Dear Prudy:
Don’t let your daughter get that vaccination until her wedding day. Otherwise it will be just like telling her to put out for every filthy child-molesting pervert in town. If you are lucky, one of these wretches will turn up as your son-in-law for a couple of months before disappearing forever with a number of your valuables. More likely, your daughter will contract a loathsome disease and die young (and alone, since any decent young man would cross the street to avoid a girl like that).
If your daughter disobeys you, and gets cancer as a result, then cancer is what she deserves. If your daughter crosses the street without looking both ways first, then she deserves to be flattened. If your daughter doesn’t eat the slop you feed her, then she deserves to die of malnutrition. This is the way we teach our children that disobedience has consequences.
The same is true for those of you out there with pre-teen boys. The Surgeon General just recommended that they get HPV vaccinations too, in order to prevent throat and anal cancer. But anal cancer is exactly what a rebellious boy deserves for succumbing to vile temptation.
So how can we be sure that our children are suitably punished for disobeying us? By making sex as dangerous as possible, to discourage this kind of immoral behavior.
Readers, if you have read any of my books about breaking the will of your children, you are already searching your kids’ bedrooms at least twice a day, not to mention the occasional random full body-cavity search. If you ever find a condom, poke a hole in it with a needle. If you find a diaphragm, poke a few needle holes in it. If you find birth control pills, just head down to your local “Doctor” Grump’s Placebo Pharmacy, and pick up a realistic-looking replacement package of sugar pills, which you can switch with the real thing. Heck, if you’re Catholic, and you find a rhythm method chart of “safe and unsafe days,” you can do the old switcheroo to ensure a punitive pregnancy.
In our efforts to eradicate teenage premarital sex and other unwholesome behavior, we need not limit our attention to birth control devices. Find a tube of sexual lubricant? Empty it out, and put in some Crazy Glue, maybe mixed with habañero sauce. Vibrator? “Doctor” Grump’s Placebo Pharmacy sells cattle prods that look exactly like the most popular brands. (Chuckle.)
With any luck, your child will soon paying a heavy price for its disobedience. Your son will get his girlfriend knocked up and have to pay child support for the rest of his life. Or your daughter will be “blessed” with maternity. If she wants an abortion, just take her to one of “Doctor” Grump’s Baby Extermination Clinics, where we will first show her a bunch of gruesome pictures of aborted fetuses who look like Edvard Munch’s “The Scream,” and then hook up a phony microphone during her mandatory ultrasound so she can listen to her baby say, “Mommy, I love you. Please don’t kill me.” If that doesn’t work, we strap her down on a table in a filthy dark operating room festooned with medieval torture implements and send in some unshaven reeking drunken bum with a coathanger who greets her with the words, “Okay, bitch, this is going to hurt a lot.” And if she still wants the abortion, we tell her that the baby is too big to abort now and we kick her out. Problem solved.
When she’s gotten all of that abortion nonsense out of her head, you can pull her out of school and send her to a Grump Group Home for Wayward Wenches. When it’s time for the baby to arrive, we provide no anesthesia. Instead, we administer drugs intended to prolong your daughter’s labor. We create a videotape of the last four hours and force your daughter to watch it over and over again at high volume before she’s allowed to go home.
And the bastard baby? We give it to your daughter for fifteen minutes so she can bond with it, and then we take it away forever, so it can be adopted by someone with the right financial profile. Depending on market conditions, just for sending us your daughter, you can expect a check for at least $5,000 as your “adoption commission.”
While an unplanned pregnancy is certainly an appropriate reward for a disobedient child, a disgusting or fatal disease sets an even better example for other children who may be tempted to engage in premarital sex. You can hope for herpes or gonorrhea, but something like AIDS or cancer is the ultimate jackpot when it comes to disciplining your children for unauthorized sexual activity. Syphilis is also a good one, especially if you allow it to go untreated long enough. “Sorry, but we can’t afford a doctor now, dear, and I’m sure that sore will go away by itself.”
I know what you’re thinking now: “Uncle Grump, what if my son or daughter disobeys me and engages in premarital sex, but then nothing horrible happens?” Good question. Unfortunately, life doesn’t always work out like a gruesome slasher film. But Uncle Grump has a solution for you, as long as you have the courage to do what is right to punish your children for premarital sex.
A mild but unpleasant case of cancer would certainly send the right message to your defiant child, but despite years of research, funded by your generous contributions to the Grump Cancer Treatment Foundation, there is still no reliable and inexpensive treatment that will guarantee a quick case of cancer. However, your local Grump Placebo Pharmacy sells “test kits” for virtually every sexually-transmitted disease except AIDS. (These are just like our drug-testing kits that guarantee a positive result regardless of whether your child has actually been using drugs, with one important difference: live viruses delivered through a patch.) If it is legal to deliberately expose your children to rubella or chicken pox, then this is probably legal too.
I recommend that every time you suspect your child of some kind of sexual activity, just give them a different disease, starting with mild stuff like chlamydia and gonorrhea and heading up the ladder to syphilis and herpes. You can avoid getting them treatment until you are convinced that they have seen the error of their ways. As for AIDS, you are on your own. I don’t see much of a difference between (1) withholding HPV vaccinations to discourage your children from engaging in illicit sexual activity by threatening them with an increased risk of cancer (which is both legal and admirable), and (2) simply infecting them with the HIV they deserve for their disobedience. But my lawyer, Harduff Stone, says that some bleeding-heart liberal prosecutors might go after you because they don’t understand a parent’s constitutional right to protect his or her children from sexual contact. So if you want to head down that road, I can’t help you.
You should bear in mind, however, that the federal government and most states have strongly discouraged needle exchange programs, in order to increase the likelihood that intravenous drug users and their unsuspecting sexual partners are suitably punished for such illegal activity by getting infected with HIV. This means that you can find discarded infectious junkie needles in just about any town in this country, and, well, I guess you can probably figure the rest out for yourself. Heck, you can probably buy a promising used needle from a junkie for a couple of bucks if you go to the right part of town. After all, these people will perform oral sex on a complete stranger for about five bucks. Or so I’ve been told. Harrumph.
The bottom line is that God obviously put HPV and HIV on this earth because he wants fornicating children to die of a ghastly disease, so when you take aggressive action to punish your son or daughter for having sex, you are doing the Lord’s work. Have fun!
