Ask “Judge” Grump (#49)
by Grump Dumpkin, Jr.
Note: “Judge” Grump is not a real judge, but considering his blockheaded and bloodthirsty competition in the courtroom media business, you might as well listen to him. On the authority of an appellate opinion “Judge” Grump wrote himself and then planted in the system, he is legally entitled under the “common law” to pass judgment on those who come before him after he sneaks into an unused courtroom and starts banging his gavel. This usually involves fines payable immediately in cash to “Judge” Grump, backed up by sentencing to a lengthy term of hard labor at the Grump Boot Camp and Asbestos Mine. No, you can’t appeal. “Bailiff, seize this impertinent young man’s valuables and take him away.”
Dear “Judge” Grump:
My boy Bowser (his stupid father wanted a dog instead and this is what he put on the birth certificate when I was under heavy sedation in the delivery room) is having trouble getting a job without a junior high school degree and he is eating up all of our savings even though it still seems like he is always hungry. We also can’t afford to get him treatment for some of his congenital birth defects. (My husband said that if marrying your first cousin was a bad idea, then why did Charles Darwin do it, but since then I’ve gotten a proper religious education, so I don’t believe in Darwin any more.)
Bowser says he was watching this show about death row prisoners and they said that those guys get three square meals a day plus free medical care. Plus right before they kill you, they will serve you a fine big meal with everything you want, all for free. It sounds like a sweet deal to me, too, but I don’t feel right about my boy hurting someone who didn’t do nothing to deserve that, and I’m not sure how he could qualify for a long stretch in the pen without hurting someone. Do you have any suggestions? -- Dotting My P’s and Q’s in Queer Lookout, Mississippi
Dear Dotty:
You bet I do. As the Land of the Free spirals uncontrollably into a permanent prison-based economy, we all have some tough choices to make, and one of those is which side of the law we want to pretend to be on. Let’s review the options.
Police Officer: I’m going to assume here that Bowser has a fighting chance here of passing an IQ test or at least a urine test. Police work is dangerous, and generally we don’t pay these people very much money. So you practically need a license to steal just to make a living, which is why we have forfeiture laws, and also why the police have to take all of your money as “evidence” when they arrest you.
Prison Guard: No IQ test required here, but this work is even more dangerous. I mean these people are all convicts, many of whom may be actually guilty of doing some horrible things. And the pay is so miserable that you will have to smuggle drugs into prison just to make your rent. Or tobacco. Yes, nowadays tobacco in prison is often illegal too, so now we are filling up our prisons with people who try to smuggle in tobacco to other prisoners, and then we imprison the people who try to smuggle in tobacco to the new prisoners, and then . . . . well, you get the idea. Oh, sure, concealing a carton of cigarettes in your rectal cavity sounds like easy work, but try doing that five times a day for a while and see how you feel about it then.
Lawyer: Bowser’s not gonna make it through law school without a brain transplant, but as for you other folks out there dumb enough to go into debt for hundreds of thousands of dollars just to get a crappy-ass job as a prosecutor or public defender, think again. Prosecutors don’t get paid much, and if you get assigned to the War on Drugs, you will soon feel like a chump in a cheap suit on the beach trying to hold back a tidal wave with a ping-pong paddle. Plus unless you’re a psychopath, you will be tormented in your dreams by the specter of all of the innocent people you have unwittingly put away over the years. One of whom may pay you an unexpected visit someday.
Public defenders have it even worse. You don’t get paid squat. Why should they pay you a living wage? If you were properly paid, then you might make it harder for the State to get convictions. No sense in that. You will get paid enough to spend ten minutes with each client and then coerce them into pleading guilty to something that they couldn’t possibly have done and that isn’t even against the law. And unless you are a psychopath, you will spend your nights tossing and turning in your bed while you think about all of the innocent people who got put away due to your inhuman workload. One of whom may pay you an unexpected visit someday.
Judge: All right, this is a good law enforcement job, relatively speaking, but probably not for Bowser, even if he buys my E-Z-2-Read manual: “Bench Warming: Judging for Dummies.” In this country, judges are either elected or appointed, and either way, it pays to be an expert in politics, not law. You won’t have to pass an IQ test or even a urine test, but you will have to be one of the governor’s political cronies.
Probation or Parole Officer: You gotta be kidding. Low pay, depressing, and dangerous. Not worth it unless you really enjoy throwing your weight around and messing with people who disrespect you.
So for Bowser, this is a no-brainer. Why put in a grueling day’s work serving the prison- industrial complex when you can be the one getting served instead? The latest statistics show that over 30% of us have gotten arrested for a non-traffic offense by the time we reach the age of 23, and it is only a matter of time before that number approaches 100%. Since we are now a nation of criminals, there is no shame in choosing criminality as a profession.
I share your reluctance to see Bowser actually hurt another person, at least without knowing who that person is and whether they could use a good beating or execution or whatever. I would tell you to pick up a copy of my book, Committing the Perfectly Awful Crime, but now it is out of print by court order and I am afraid that most of the copies have been burned, many by angry mobs visiting one of my decoy homes.
Your boy sounds perfectly suited for a career in criminality, and I can help him on his way to success in this field. And you’ll be happy to hear that there are plenty of simple options for getting into a lengthy free ride from the State without having to hurt anyone or even really doing anything wrong. Heck, I can even help Bowser get that lavish last meal he has been drooling for.
First you have to decide whether you are going to try for the death penalty or just a lengthy prison sentence. As Bowser has already figured out, one big advantage with the death penalty is a last meal to die for. Except in Texas. This just happened. Some condemned guy ordered a huge last meal and then didn’t eat a single bite. Either he was innocent and didn’t have an appetite when he knew he was about to get executed, or he just wanted to mess with the warden. Either way, some state legislator who knows that condemned prisoners don’t vote told the state prison authorities that from now on, everyone who is scheduled to die, guilty or innocent, has to eat the usual slop the other inmates are getting. On the plus side, we oughta see a lot fewer losers murdering someone just to qualify for that great last meal.
There is still one big upside to getting a Texas death penalty, however, which is that you get a free burial in a very attractive facility, the Captain Joe Byrd Cemetery. Texas does not offer this particular benefit to your average citizen who dies poor but not in prison.
I will say this about Mississippi. Apparently if you murder someone (for example, if you fatally shoot your wife while she is holding your six-week-old daughter) and get life in prison, the Governor will give you a nice pardon at some point if you show him what a good guy you really are by working at his mansion. I wish I was making this up, but it’s true. Just ask ex-Governor Haley Barbour.
Getting the death penalty without actually killing anybody is a little tricky here in the U.S.A. since that bunch of bleeding-heart liberal activist judges in the Supreme Court restricted capital punishment mostly to murder. Also, because of another “let’s coddle our criminals” Supreme Court decision, you can’t execute retarded people anymore, so you will want to make sure that Bowser can do well enough on a standardized test to qualify for capital punishment before he heads down this particular road.
Lucky for you, Mississippi has a treason statute with a death penalty. (So does the federal government, but the problem here is that President Obama has already taken out one unconvicted American -- who was apparently on some kind of terrorist sabbatical in Yemen -- with a drone missile. Plus his sixteen-year-old son. No last meal for either of those guys. No trial either.) The Mississippi statute says that “if any person shall levy war against this state, or adhere to its enemies, giving them aid and comfort, he shall be guilty of treason.” Now that sounds simple enough. For starters, Bowser can set up a website called MississippiCommunistRebels.com or something like that and advocate the violent armed overthrow of the state government. Then he can show up at the State Capitol Building one day with some weapons and a bullhorn and demand the immediate surrender of the State of Mississippi. He can also throw a few small firecrackers in the general direction of the building. That oughta do the trick.
Just to be on the safe side, Bowser should give aid and comfort to some of Mississippi’s enemies. My guess is that your average prosecutor will be willing to stretch that law to cover some organizations that aren’t terribly welcome out there, like the NAACP or Planned Parenthood. Bowser should send them each a hundred bucks, plus, I dunno, maybe a pillow and a blanket? This “comfort” thing has me a little stumped. Wait, I know, how about a down comforter? Heck, that should be enough for those judges you have out there.
Here’s another great idea. Bowser should find the dumbest violent thug in the neighborhood and just hang out with him. At some point the guy is likely to hold up a liquor store or something like that and get himself shot to pieces. And if Bowser is with him or just sitting in the car waiting for his buddy to “pick up a case of beer,” he has a decent shot at getting nailed for felony murder (a capital offense) just for being in the vicinity. This might not be constitutional, but trust me, Bowser’s lame-ass court-appointed lawyer won’t be able to figure that out.
Okay, if all else fails, just find out if there are any particularly gruesome unsolved murders in your area. Give Bowser all of the details you can dig up, and then let him hang around in one of those “cop bars” bragging about how some murder victim “cried like a little bitch” when he shot him. Trust me, those guys will have an ironclad signed confession out of Bowser in no time. Even if he doesn’t want to confess. Those folks know how to get that done. You don’t wanna know how they do it. Your average homicide cop makes Dirty Harry look like some kind of liberal pussy.
After Bowser gets the death penalty, he can actually get himself more than one splendid last meal. Here’s how. He should tell his death penalty lawyer to file all of the appeals at the absolute last minute, so by the time the emergency stay of execution arrives, Bowser will already have stuffed himself at the State’s expense. This tactic can be repeated as often as necessary.
If Bowser is willing settle for something less than the death penalty, he has lots of options that will keep him fed and cared for by the State of Mississippi (including free medical and dental) well into his golden years. Again, all without hurting anyone or even doing anything particularly loathsome.
A drug rap is an obvious choice, and Bowser won’t need much in the way of drugs to qualify as the latest victim of the War on Drugs. Let Bowser wander around in the nearest “inner-city urban setting” (I am using this term to avoid saying what I really mean and getting called a racist for that), and he will undoubtedly be given several opportunities to purchase cocaine. If he makes at least a dozen purchases of half a gram or so, he’s likely to accumulate at least a detectible quantity of actual dope. Then all he has to do is mix it up with an ounce of talcum powder or even sand and put it in a plastic bag marked “Pure Cocaine” on the front seat of his car, and then drive erratically or suspiciously until a cop notices him. Heck, just taping over the license plate oughta do the trick. It doesn’t matter if he consents to a search of his car or not, because the cop is gonna testify that he consented, and the judge is gonna believe the cop. In Mississippi, that’s enough to earn Bowser a minimum sentence of ten years, and probably an ass-chewing from the judge about how he’s not even an honest dope peddler.
Another option is child pornography, although of course I am not suggesting that Bowser knowingly purchase or download or view anything depicting actual children having sex. That sort of thing is depraved and loathsome (even by the standards of someone who writes books explaining to parents why they should beat their children every day), and anyone who buys it is a financier of a child raping business. Anyway, this plan should work. Just have Bowser visit several hundred adult web sites and click on a few free samples without ever buying anything. My advice is that he shouldn’t look at anything either, because that could lead to chafing and possible insanity from excessive self-abuse, but I do realize that boys will be boys. Maybe it will help if you have him do all of his web-surfing with you sitting behind him and with a big photo of you next to the monitor with an indignant scowl on your face.
We can safely predict that Bowser’s computer will collect a few nasty cybergonorrhea viruses, and maybe even a Trojan Horse that will turn the unit into a zombie-porno-spambot. Plus quite a few images that could prove suspicious to a zealous prosecutor. Then Bowser can take the computer to one of those “Dork Squad” techie-douche companies for a tune-up or penicillin treatment or whatever. The technician will find the suspicious images and call the police, and Bowser will get a lengthy sentence for possession of child pornography unless he is a very unlucky guy, and maybe even if he didn’t actually accidentally download any dirty pictures of boys and girls who are under 18. You see, you don’t need any actual pictures of children having sex to get convicted of possession of “child sexually-oriented materials.” With the right prosecutor (that is, one who wants to get reelected) and the right judge (ditto), the concept of child pornography crime goes far beyond dirty pictures of actual kids. As a society, we are so fanatical in our desire to go after the actual child pornography trade that we will prosecute (a) someone who possesses dirty pictures of girls over eighteen who look young for their age; (b) someone who falsely claims that the computer animations he is selling depict actual people under eighteen having sex; or even (c) written fictional descriptions of children being sexually abused. This is because everyone knows that if you look at something disgusting like that, you will have an irresistible impulse to molest the next child you meet. Why, by all accounts, this has happened to quite a few prosecutors and police officers and judges.
Now here’s a real popular way of getting yourself a long stretch in the pen without ever coming near to harming another human being: imitating a pedophile. I should warn you here that criminals have their own pecking order, and people who prey on children are at the bottom of the chicken coop, so Bowser is going to get beat up and raped a lot more than your average prisoner if he tries this. But hey, no pain, no gain.
This is really simple. Bowser should just join a few of those chatrooms where everyone who claims to be an available female is actually some disgusting or perverted male. That describes just about every chatroom in cyberspace, I reckon. (Real women generally don’t participate in chatrooms unless they are incredibly ugly or stupid. And why should they? Most women can get all the sex they want just by walking out on the street and hiking up their skirt a little.) Bowser should hint around that he is a mature guy who is interested in getting it on with a hot piece of jailbait. Before he knows it, he will be contacted by a “14-year-old girl” who is actually a federal or state undercover agent or one of these freelancers who gets off on this sort of thing.
The rest is easy as cherry pie. The “girl” will suggest a rendezvous at a local fleabag motel, and when Bowser gets there, the police will be waiting for him. If Bowser is lucky, Chris Hansen will be there to greet him, and then he will get to be famous on television before the police move in to “subdue” him for “resisting arrest.”
But here’s the coolest part. To make sure that the judge throws the book at him even though no real underage girl was actually involved, Bowser should bring a duffle bag stuffed with incriminating items. I would suggest things like sleeping pills in a candy jar, handcuffs, a ball gag, rope, a video camera, a ridiculously oversize dildo, a giant jar of Vaseline, a penis-shaped lollipop, and an anatomically-correct teddy bear. Give that judge something to get angry about, or at least something to masturbate about.
Another cool way Bowser can earn himself a hefty prison sentence without actually doing anything is to get sucked into the War on Terror. He should just start posting stuff on his Facebook page about how much he would like to destroy the government and avenge the victims of imperialism and capitalism through a violent attack, and before you know it, one of his Facebook “friends” (yeah, right) will report him as a possible terrorist. (It would also help if he changed his name to “Allah Jihad” or something like that, since everyone knows that all terrorists are Islamic.) Soon he will be contacted by several undercover operatives from the FBI or the CIA or the Department of Helpless Stupidity. They will help him plan some ridiculously ambitious terrorist project, like burning down Mount Rushmore with some charcoal and lighter fluid, and will even help him buy all of the equipment he needs. Then they will arrest him and go on television and pat themselves on the back for stopping another terrorist attack.
By the way, Bowser should avoid doing something more mundane, like defrauding a bunch of people out of their life savings. Technically, that’s usually a serious federal and state offense, but most of the time the prosecutors are way too busy with the War on Drugs or the War on Child Pornography or the War on Terror to bother with anything trivial like that.
As a last resort, you can get Bowser one of those police and fire scanners so every time something bad happens, Bowser can try to get to the scene of the crime or fire before the authorities arrive. They are bound to try to pin something on him just for being in the vicinity. Just tell him to say, “I didn’t see nothin’ and I got nothin’ to do with this. So suck it, pig.” For more tips, you will have to pick up a copy of my popular guide, “Legal Advice for Young Criminals.” I’m tired of giving away all of this great advice for free.
Speaking of which, if Bowser wants any more advice on how he can have a secure life in a secure facility, he’s gonna have to have to buy my new book, “Career and Modus Ops: Maladjusting to Our New Prison-Based Economy.” And remember, I said buy, not steal.
