Thanks, Limpdickens! Your name and address have been added to our special international database of people who like to invest in get-rich-quick schemes involving their alleged talent!
The Grump Literary Agency is now accepting new clients. All you need is a bank account or a credit card. You don’t even have to know how to read or write. Just dictate your book into a tape recorder and send the tape(s) to us, along with a deposit for our “review fee” of only five cents a second, plus a stamped envelope. (Please don’t address it, because that just makes it harder for us to use the envelope. Large envelopes with plenty of postage are preferred.)
If our review of your tape(s) and deposit shows that you have the qualities we are looking for in a client, we will mail you (postage due) our Exclusive Lifetime Premium Service Agency Contract (prepared by renowned attorney Harduff Stone, Esquire). There’s no reason to read the Contract or to hire a lawyer to review it before you sign it, since it is carefully designed to extract an extravagant profit from our literary partnership.
If you are one of the select few that is allowed to sign one of our Contracts, we will use a computerized program to transcribe your tape(s), just as soon as we receive your deposit for the transcription fee of only six cents a word, plus another stamped envelope (lots of high-denomination stamps, please!).
Then, since our transcription program is a bit prone to runs of meaningless gibberish, it’s time for our crack head team of editters and profreeders to swing into action. Just as soon as we get the deposit for your editing fee of only eight cents a word. And another heavily stamped envelope.
Now you’re ready to see your first manuscript! We’ll print it out on our classic daisy-wheel professional manuscript generator, just as soon as we receive the deposit for your printing fee of only one cent a letter. And a large self-addressed mailing crate with at least a hundred dollars of postage on it. Just wait until your neighbors see the new book you just wrote! Can you imagine the things they will be saying about you?
While finding a publisher for your manuscript is your own responsibility, we’re ready to give you all the help you can afford. From printing out extra copies of your manuscript for you, to helping you prepare a professional-looking stamped and self-addressed envelope, every service a writer needs is there for the asking, and a fee. To show you how great we are and how successful you can be with our help, we offer all our prospective marks Uncle Grump’s pamphlet, How to Get Your Manuscript Buried Deep in an Editor’s Slushpile!
Wow, thanks a whole bunch, Uncle Grump! Now tell me all I need to know about making everyone think I'm a great writer with your special pamphlet that even a moron like me can read in five minutes or less! Oh, boy, I can't wait to scroll down below and instantly turn myself into a remarkable semblance of a real author!
"How to Get Your Manuscript Buried Deep in an Editor’s Slushpile," or "Slushpile Avalanche!: Uncle Grump’s Easy Ten-Step Guide to Passing Yourself Off as a Great Writer"
By Grump Dumpkin, Jr.
1. Great writers are eccentric. All publishers know that. If you are just plain crazy, then just do what seems natural to you, and that will probably work.
2. If you’re not crazy, or not sure about that (tip: are there bars on your windows, or mattresses on the walls of your room, or are you wearing a jacket with very long sleeves and buckles in the back?), then you want to do something that will make you look like you are in the process of losing your marbles. Actually, that might work. Literally. So pour a bag of marbles into your envelope. That editor will be thinking of you every time she slips on one of those things for years.
3. Scenting your manuscript is a great way to get noticed, but you don’t want to go with anything too obvious or pleasant. That’s what a sane author might do. No, you want to make it smell awful. Try leaving the manuscript in a garbage bag with a dead skunk for about two weeks.
4. Would an eccentric writer put the right amount of postage on the envelope or return envelope? Of course not. Postage-due packages get noticed. You can also use things like fruit label stickers and cut-up pieces of dollar bills instead of stamps. Oh, and think about addressing your package with letters crudely cut out of magazines.
5. Aggressive follow-up is a must. Call the editor every five minutes to ask if he’s read your manuscript yet. Occasionally you can disguise your voice and pretend to be an agent (use different names and voices each time). Email the editor constantly too. The emails should get more and more desperate and indignant until it is apparent that you are about to crack. Of course, there is no reason to stop calling and emailing once you have received a form rejection letter or a restraining order. Just explain that you want the editor to reconsider his decision. Again and again. At some point they will have to publish you just to get rid of you.
6. Include in your package a letter from the publisher thanking you for submitting your brilliant manuscript and offering you a million-dollar advance. That way, you save the editor the effort of drafting a response to your submission. All she has to do is sign the letter and put it back in the return envelope. She will undoubtedly appreciate your thoughtfulness.
7. It’s always a good idea to insult the editor’s intelligence in advance on the basis that anyone who would turn down your manuscript must be some kind of hapless moron. You can close your letter with the following paragraph:
“If you decide to turn down this literary gold mine, this chance of a lifetime, at least you=ll be able to take comfort in knowing that you have avoided the emotional upheaval that can follow in the wake of a sudden infusion of incredible wealth. Also, it=ll make a great story for you to share with the editors who told J.K. Rowling and John Grisham that their books would never sell.”
8. Another great way of getting published is to send an editor a letter thanking him for accepting your manuscript, and enclosing a signed contract providing for a million-dollar advance. These editors are pretty busy people, so there’s a decent chance that they will just sign the thing and send it to the accounting department. If they ever figure out what you did (like after they read your manuscript), they’ll probably be too embarrassed to admit their mistake and will have to publish your book anyway just to avoid getting fired.
9. Find out where the editor lives and walk up and down the street for several days and nights carrying a sign that says ”[Editor’s Name] is Unfair to Writers,” with something silly on the back, like “Could She Be a Terrorist Sympathizer or Secret Lawbreaker?” Hand out pamphlets with psychotic speculation about what goes on behind the editor’s “closed doors.” She’ll be begging you to sign a publishing contract in no time.
10. You need a special “gimmick” to get noticed. Try giving your manuscript a working title with the name of some kind of critter in it, like The Wasp-Waisted Wench of Wickenham or Ratso the Rat-Faced Ragamuffin, and then just toss a few of the right varmints in the package with your manuscript. This trick works great. After all, how do you think William Golding ever found a publisher for Lord of the Flies?
Grateful for our great advice? Well, the best thank-you in the world is a big fat check! Payable, of course, to Uncle Grump.
Congratulations, Shakespoore! With our help, soon every debt collector in town will be beating a path to your door!
