Thanks, “Artie”! Your name and email address have just been added to our special international database of people who are convinced that there is something “wrong” with their kids and who will pay big bucks to “fix” them!
Are you among the millions of Americans who has faced the heartbreak of learning that your child is artistic? It starts with a toddler’s seemingly innocent finger-painting, and then one day you are presented with a finely-crafted pencil-holder fashioned out of an old can adorned with paint and sparkles. You have barely recovered from that shock, when your child presents you with a scenic watercolor depicting a happy family in front of a boxy little house with square windows. It’s time to stop pretending and face the truth: Your child is artistic.
If you simply ignore the problem, you and your child will suffer the same fate as many other artism victims. Years of expensive art classes. A house filled with choking paint fumes. Neighbors who point fingers, and whisper, and shake their heads. Finally, a fifty-three year old son, living alone in your basement, creating brilliant works of art that no one will ever appreciate. A son who never leaves the house except to try to sell his artwork on the street for prices lower than the cost of his materials. A complete and utter loser.
But it’s not too late. Just sign up your child for an intense rehab program at “Doctor” Grump’s Artism Clinic, and we will destroy every artistic impulse in his or her body. We employ the kind of aggressive aversive therapy measures suggested by Anthony Burgess in A Clockwork Orange and put to effective use by Jack Bauer on his TV series, “24.” When we get done with your kids, they won’t even be able to look at a work of art again. Granted, they may spend the rest of their lives working at fast-food restaurants and watching reruns of The Brady Bunch, but at least you won’t have to deal with those artistic temperaments any more.
Congratulations, Philistine! Our salespeople will soon be laying a huge guilt trip on you!
