Harduff Stone’s Favorite Client Jokes
1. Q: What’s the difference between a client and a sheep?
A: You need a pair of shears to fleece a sheep.
2. Q: What’s the best thing about letting your innocent clients get the death penalty because you slept through their trials?
A: Burying your mistakes.
3. Q: What’s the best way to find out if you have a conflict when a new client want to give you a big fat cash retainer?
A: Check your wallet. If there is any more room for cash, no conflict.
4. Q: What should you do if your client refuses to pay your bill?
A: Get one of your bought-and-paid-for judges to declare him incompetent and to appoint one of your lawyer buddies as his conservator. Then you and your pal can spend all of your client’s money on booze or whatever and dump him in a state mental hospital. Come to think of it, this isn’t really a joke. I mean, I actually did this at least four times last year.
5. A lawyer (let’s call him Richard Head, Esquire, although his real name is Harduff Stone) had a very wealthy client who had no living relatives, so he appointed Mr. Head as his guardian and the executor of his estate. One day the client suddenly became very ill, which delighted Mr. Head, because he had deliberately set up his client’s will to necessitate a long and costly battle between at least seventeen sets of beneficiaries, which would allow Mr. Head to chew up the entire estate with legal fees. Then he got a call from his client’s doctor, who explained to him that as the client’s guardian, he would have to approve any medical treatment. The doctor told him that there was a new operation that could save the client’s life, but was extremely expensive. Mr. Head told the doctor that he would talk to the client and get back to him.
Mr. Head then went to see his client in the hospital, who asked him, in a weak voice, “So tell me, Dick, what did the doctor say?”
And Mr. Head answered, “The doctor said you’re gonna die.”
6. Q: What’s the legal term for when your client is horribly injured in an accident and suffers from constant excruciating pain, paralysis, hideous facial disfigurement, severe brain damage, and the loss of several of his favorite extremities?
A: “Good injuries.”
7. Q: What time is it when your client gets run down on the sidewalk by a drunk City bus driver?
A: Time to buy a new yacht.
8. Q: What’s the legal term for tripping your client into the path of a speeding City bus?
A: “Practice development.”
9. Q: What’s the best way of thanking a client who you’ve just taken to the cleaners?
A. Name your new yacht after her.
10. Q. What’s the best way to reduce a client’s income tax?
A.: Chew up most of his income with tax-deductible attorney fees.
11. Q: How can a pair of opposing divorce lawyers best help their clients get a fresh start on the rest of their lives?
A: By waging all-out war until you have sucked every penny out of their pockets.
12. Q: What’s the first thing you should ask a new client?
A: “Got two tens for a five?”
13. Q: What do you call a client who can’t pay you a big fat retainer?
A: A cab.
14. Q: What’s the best thing to say to a family you just evicted from their home on a freezing winter day?
A: “Merry Christmas!”
15. Q: What’s the best thing about representing clients with Alzheimer’s Disease?
A: You can send them the same bill for the same work again and again, and they will keep paying it.
16. Q: What’s the second-best thing about representing clients with Alzheimer’s Disease?
A: They won’t remember the promises you made when you collected that big fat retainer.
17. Q: What’s the biggest advantage of representing a rich client with a multiple personality disorder?
A: You can send separate bills to each of the personalities.
18. Q: What’s the best way of exploiting a rich client with a multiple personality disorder?
A: Tell one of the personalities to sue the other personalities, refer the other personalities to one of your lawyer buddies, and then litigate up a storm until all of the personalities are totally broke.
19. Q: What's the best advice you can give a client who wants to avoid the heartache, humiliation, and expense of a lengthy divorce proceeding?
A: "Cash in all your assets, give the money to me, say goodbye to your children, and then kill yourself."
