Harduff Stone and Associates
Lieyers and Conseallers
Michigan Office
Murder City Plaza
Suite 666
Destroid, Michigan 48226
(313) 555-8640
September 3, 1998
Rich Kaschkowe
355 Welthiputz Lane
Caucasian Hills, MI 48304
Dear Mr. Kaschkowe:
Enclosed are my invoices for services rendered through August 7, 1998. You will note that these bills reflect a past due amount. Accordingly, I have scheduled you for a mandatory appointment at 4:00 a.m. next Monday morning with my Collateral Extraction Manager, Lorena Bobbitt.
It was a thoroughly disagreeable burden -- certainly comparable to the removal of one=s own appendix without anesthesia -- to be of service to you last month. If you have any questions, please be so kind as to write them down on a sharp object, which I would then encourage you to employ in a hara-kiri ritual.
Very truly yours,
Harduff Stone, Esquire
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Harduff Stone and Associates
Lieyers and Conseallers
Michigan Office
Murder City Plaza
Suite 666
Destroid, Michigan 48226
(313) 555-8640
October 31, 1998
Rich Kaschkowe
355 Welthiputz Lane
Caucasian Hills, MI 48304
Dear Mr. Kaschkowe:
Enclosed is my invoice for services rendered through September 30, 1998. Please pay it forthwith. Lucky for you, debtor=s prison is no longer a viable option for deadbeat clients. However, there are still many things I can do to make your life miserable.
It was an execrable experience -- one which I will carry with me to my grave -- to be of service to you last month. Any questions you may have will be answered in the fullness of time following your payment of this invoice.
Very truly yours,
Harduff Stone, Esquire
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Harduff Stone and Associates
Lieyers and Conseallers
Michigan Office
Murder City Plaza
Suite 666
Destroid, Michigan 48226
(313) 555-8640
April 6, 1999
Rich Kaschkowe
355 Welthiputz Lane
Caucasian Hills, MI 48304
Dear Mr. Kaschkowe:
Enclosed is my invoice for services rendered through March 31, 1999. This does not include additional time spent dreaming about your case that I reserve the right to charge you for in the future should your current obligations prove insufficient to support my spending habits.
It is with a great deal of confidence that I can advise you that the occasions on which I have provided you with legal services will always be counted among the most thoroughly wretched experiences of my life. You can call or write me if you want regarding any questions you may have regarding this invoice. I hasten to add, however, that I will be Aout@ when you call, and that your messages and letters will be welcomed as objects of derision around my office.
Very truly yours,
Harduff Stone, Esquire
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Harduff Stone and Associates
Lieyers and Conseallers
Michigan Office
Murder City Plaza
Suite 666
Destroid, Michigan 48226
(313) 555-8640
June 11, 1999
Rich Kaschkowe
355 Welthiputz Lane
Caucasian Hills, MI 48304
Dear Mr. Kaschkowe:
Enclosed is my invoice for services rendered through May 31, 1999.
Working with you on these matters has been thoroughly delightful; it is therefore with considerable hesitation that I have requested payment for the services I have performed. In any event, please treat this heartfelt and sincere expression of goodwill as confirmation of your exalted position in my personal pantheon and my great debt to you as my inspiration and benefactor.
Drippingly sarcastically yours,
Harduff Stone, Esquire
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Harduff Stone and Associates
Lieyers and Conseallers
Michigan Office
Murder City Plaza
Suite 666
Destroid, Michigan 48226
(313) 555-8640
August 12, 1999
Rich Kaschkowe
355 Welthiputz Lane
Caucasian Hills, MI 48304
Dear Mr. Kaschkowe:
Enclosed are my invoices for services rendered through July 31, 1999.
There are some lawyers who choose to deal with clients who treat invoices as a starting point for painful negotiations, clients who demand a substantial discount and then make payment on a piecemeal basis and at a leisurely pace, clients who enjoy a lavish lifestyle while they ignore their legal bills. I once knew a lawyer like that. He was my dear friend and partner, and now he is an overworked, underpaid, and undertanned associate for a legal sweatshop (which I own) on an exotic Caribbean isle (which I also own), where he occupies a tumbledown shack in the section of town where the water and sewage pipes are one and the same, and where violent mentally ill islanders roam the streets at night like zombies, in search of the man who has stolen their thoughts.
I am not that kind of lawyer, which is why I had to terminate my relationship with my partner with extreme prejudice, and why he is now wallowing in filth and enjoying a double-open-faced giant cockroach sandwich for breakfast. Unless you would like to join him, please pay these bills immediately.
Very truly yours,
Harduff Stone, Esquire
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Harduff Stone and Associates
Lieyers and Conseallers
Michigan Office
Murder City Plaza
Suite 666
Destroid, Michigan 48226
(313) 555-8640
October 8, 1999
Rich Kaschkowe
355 Welthiputz Lane
Caucasian Hills, MI 48304
Dear Mr. Kaschkowe:
Enclosed are my invoices for services rendered through September 30, 1999.
If these bills are not paid in a fashion I deem timely (in my sole discretion), I reserve the right to charge interest thereon at a rate not to exceed the prime rate charged by Destroid-area loan sharks, as well as the right to exercise all Aself-help@ remedies customarily employed by such lenders. Please govern yourself accordingly.
As always, working for you in the past month has been a thoroughly disagreeable experience. If you have any questions, please keep them to yourself.
Very truly yours,
Harduff Stone, Esquire
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Harduff Stone and Associates
Lieyers and Conseallers
Michigan Office
Murder City Plaza
Suite 666
Destroid, Michigan 48226
(313) 555-8640
December 9, 1999
Rich Kaschkowe
355 Welthiputz Lane
Caucasian Hills, MI 48304
Dear Mr. Kaschkowe:
Enclosed are my invoices for services rendered through November 30, 1999. I realize that you are in some financial straits due in no small part to your payment of my previous invoices, and it is not my intention to force you to sell your home and your wife or to go without food for weeks simply so I can continue to maintain a decadent and opulent lifestyle at your expense. However, I must be paid in some fashion. I would therefore suggest that you advise me of which of your marketable organs (your liver is in no shape to sell to anybody, and, let=s face it, you hardly have the kind of face that is going to fetch a bid on eBay of more than the cost of the Band-Aids and mask you will need) you would least mind parting with and that you send me your written consent to remove it. Then, please contact my Collections Facilitator, Katya Nutzov, to arrange for a convenient time for my organ harvesting paramedical unit to pay you a visit.
Wishing me a joyful and financially rewarding holiday season, I remain
Your Indignant Creditor,
Harduff Stone, Esquire
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Harduff Stone and Associates
Lieyers and Conseallers
Michigan Office
Murder City Plaza
Suite 666
Destroid, Michigan 48226
(313) 555-8640
February 10, 2000
Rich Kaschkowe
355 Welthiputz Lane
Caucasian Hills, MI 48304
Dear Mr. Kaschkowe:
Enclosed are my invoices for services rendered through January 31, 2000. Since your account is over 60 days past due, you can expect it to be turned over to my Acollection agency@ shortly. I do realize that you may be tempted to devote your available funds to what you may deem to be more pressing obligations, such as your mortgage payment, your grocery bill, or your heating bill. In that event, I think that it would also be prudent to add an Accidental Death and Dismembership Policy to your insurance portfolio.
Reminding you that my collection agency does not consider itself bound by the automatic stay provisions of the Bankruptcy Code, I remain
Your Indignant Creditor,
Harduff Stone, Esquire
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Harduff Stone and Associates
Lieyers and Conseallers
Michigan Office
Murder City Plaza
Suite 666
Destroid, Michigan 48226
(313) 555-8640
April 7, 2000
Rich Kaschkowe
355 Welthiputz Lane
Caucasian Hills, MI 48304
Dear Mr. Kaschkowe:
Enclosed are Harduff Stone=s invoices for services rendered through March 31, 2000. As you are aware, Mr. Stone is a nationally prominent attorney with many demands on his time, and thus he is far too busy to prepare a personal enclosure letter to his less important clients. Hence, that dreary task has fallen upon the shoulders of the undersigned.
Listen, you wretched excuse for a human being. Either you pay these bills the instant you get them or I will visit you in the dead of night and personally kick your miserable little ass. Please bear in mind in this regard that Mr. Stone obviously did not hire me for my social skills and that I work on a commission basis.
Avariciously yours,
Kissim I. Astor-Keye
Collections Associate No. 43
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Harduff Stone and Associates
Lieyers and Conseallers
Michigan Office
Murder City Plaza
Suite 666
Destroid, Michigan 48226
(313) 555-8640
May 22, 2000
Rich Kaschkowe
355 Welthiputz Lane
Caucasian Hills, MI 48304
Dear Mr. Kaschkowe:
Enclosed is Harduff Stone=s invoice for services rendered through May 22, 2000. Mr. Stone wanted me to convey his appreciation for your prompt payment of this invoice (actually before it was even sent out), which he attributes to the unannounced visits I have paid to the homes of your loved ones.
Feel free to contact the undersigned should you ever feel the need to plead for an extended grace period. While Mr. Stone, as always, cannot be troubled to return your calls, rest assured that your conversations with his secretary or receptionist will be duly noted on your next invoice.
Predatorily yours,
Boyer Ewen-Nassoul
Collections Associate No. 49
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Harduff Stone and Associates
Lieyers and Conseallers
Michigan Office
Murder City Plaza
Suite 666
Destroid, Michigan 48226
(313) 555-8640
September 8, 2000
Rich Kaschkowe
355 Welthiputz Lane
Caucasian Hills, MI 48304
Dear Mr. Kaschkowe:
Enclosed is Harduff Stone=s invoice for services rendered through July 31, 2000. At the request of Mr. Stone, who recently reminded his staff that people who hire him as their lawyer should be treated with the respect they deserve, I wish to take this opportunity to apologize for the tone of some of my colleagues= previous missives to you, to the extent that those communications were unduly threatening or offensive. Mr. Stone did want me to convey to you, however, the deep contempt in which he regards you, and to emphasize that you would be ill-advised to ever call on him for a character reference, due to his knowledge of certain matters which need not be addressed at this time, but which would prove of more than passing interest to those entrusted with enforcing the criminal laws. Thus, it would be most prudent, in this regard, for you to take whatever steps are necessary to ensure that Mr. Stone will not feel constrained to bring forward such matters in the pursuit of a civil action to collect this invoice.
Fulsomely politely yours,
Hugh Kann Schuvett
Collections Associate No. 57
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Harduff Stone and Associates
Lieyers and Conseallers
Michigan Office
Murder City Plaza
Suite 666
Destroid, Michigan 48226
(313) 555-8640
December 20, 2000
Rich Kaschkowe
355 Welthiputz Lane
Caucasian Hills, MI 48304
Dear Mr. Kaschkowe:
Enclosed is Harduff Stone=s invoice for services rendered through December 1, 2000. As always, failure to pay this invoice immediately will give rise to unfortunate personal consequences. Please govern yourself accordingly.
Mr. Stone has asked me to inform you that he recently received a phone call from a gentleman requesting a personal reference for you. After determining that he had never received a retainer from you for this purpose, Mr. Stone advised the gentleman that he was not personally acquainted with you, but was familiar with some of your activities from reviewing the Sexual Offenders Registry. We trust that Mr. Stone will not receive any further communications of this nature until a $50,000 retainer is forwarded to his attention.
Most emphatically up yours,
Ben Dovarin Spredham
Collections Associate No. 77
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Harduff Stone and Associates
Lieyers and Conseallers
Michigan Office
Murder City Plaza
Suite 666
Destroid, Michigan 48226
(313) 555-8640
May 25, 2001
Rich Kaschkowe
355 Welthiputz Lane
Caucasian Hills, MI 48304
Dear Mr. Kaschkowe:
Enclosed is Harduff Stone=s invoice for services rendered through March 31, 2001. In recognition of your recovery of only one dollar in the Disabled Children’s Orphanage foreclosure matter, which Mr. Stone attributes to the fact that you are a highly disagreeable person with a face that not even his mother could love, he has reluctantly reduced his billing rate to $0.02 an hour.
In light of the minuscule amount of this invoice, its prompt payment is not a matter of paramount concern to Mr. Stone. However, he did ask me to let you know that he had retained counsel for the purpose of filing suit against you under the federal minimum wage laws.
Malevolently yours,
I. P. Anyu
Collections Associate No. 49
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Rich Kaschkowe
Deadbeat, Dead Meat, and Debt Collector
355 Welthiputz lane
Caucasian Hills, Mi 48304
Telephone: Disconnected
October 31, 2001
Rich Kaschkowe
355 Welthiputz Lane
Caucasian Hills, MI 48304
Dear Mr. Kaschkowe:
No, I am not crazy. Not yet, anyway. I am writing this letter to myself because a clause buried in my contract with Harduff Stone requires me to aggressively pursue collection of my own debts to him. Using this stationery. So here goes.
Enclosed are two invoices for Harduff Stone=s invoices for services rendered through August 31, 2001. I have been compelled by Mr. Stone to collect these invoices on his behalf. While it is a bit unusual for anyone to get this obnoxious before bills have remained unpaid for at least 30 days, Mr. Stone insists that my payment history merits this kind of special attention.
Please be advised that I will stop at nothing to collect these receivables. I will have the sheriff seize my food, clothes, and medicine. I will have myself arrested on fraud charges. I will arrange for large strangers to hold myself upside down and shake me until all of my change falls out of my pockets. And I will call my wife and insinuate that my inability to pay these bills is due to my large expenditures at local massage parlors.
Please govern myself accordingly.
Very truly mine,
Rich Kaschkowe
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Harduff Stone and Associates
Lieyers and Conseallers
Michigan Office
Murder City Plaza
Suite 666
Destroid, Michigan 48226
(313) 555-8640
January 3, 2002
Rich Kaschkowe
355 Welthiputz Lane
Caucasian Hills, MI 48304
Dear Mr. Kaschkowe:
Enclosed is Harduff Stone=s invoice for services rendered through December 1, 2001. Under federal law, I am not permitted to advise you of the things that I and my colleagues will do to you if this debt is not paid immediately.
Up Yours,
Payupor Weebraika Yuface
Collections Associate No. 118
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Harduff Stone and Associates
Lieyers and Conseallers
Michigan Office
Murder City Plaza
Suite 666
Destroid, Michigan 48226
(313) 555-8640
April 4, 2002
Rich Kaschkowe
355 Welthiputz Lane
Caucasian Hills, MI 48304
Dear Mr. Kaschkowe:
Enclosed are Harduff Stone=s invoices for services rendered through January 31, 2002. The mysterious disappearance of several of your loved ones seems to have had a salutary effect on your payment history, but in light of the dwindling nature of this source for prompt payment incentives, Mr. Stone thought that it would be appropriate to remind you of his security interest in a pound of your flesh.
Fulsomely yours,
Kreister Yewa Wanker
Collections Associate No. 136
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Harduff Stone and Associates
Lieyers and Conseallers
Michigan Office
Murder City Plaza
Suite 666
Destroid, Michigan 48226
(313) 555-8640
April 2, 2002
Rich Kaschkowe
355 Welthiputz Lane
Caucasian Hills, MI 48304
Dear Mr. Kaschkowe:
Enclosed is an invoice for services rendered by Harduff Stone through March 31, 2002. Your complaints about the tone of our billing department=s previous communications to you have been brought to Mr. Stone=s attention, and in response, he has asked me to let you know that you are cordially invited to profusely festoon his nether parts with fervent gestures of osculation.
Excrementally yours,
Gosher Hugh Addorque
Collections Associate No. 194
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Harduff Stone and Associates
Lieyers and Conseallers
Michigan Office
Murder City Plaza
Suite 666
Destroid, Michigan 48226
(313) 555-8640
July 31, 2002
Rich Kaschkowe
355 Welthiputz Lane
Caucasian Hills, MI 48304
Dear Mr. Kaschkowe:
Enclosed are several invoices for services rendered by Harduff Stone through July 31, 2002. Your ill-advised complaint to the United States Attorney (who is a good friend of Mr. Stone) regarding the seizure of some of your family members as security for your outstanding indebtedness has resulted in your inadvertent placement on an FBI Aterrorist watch list,@ and any further accusations of this nature will result in your indefinite detention as a Amaterial witness@ in a secret military facility while those charges are Ainvestigated.@
Very truculently yours,
Heworth “Les” Kunque
Collections Associate No. 241
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Harduff Stone and Associates
Lieyers and Conseallers
Michigan Office
Murder City Plaza
Suite 666
Destroid, Michigan 48226
(313) 555-8640
November 30, 2002
Rich Kaschkowe
355 Welthiputz Lane
Caucasian Hills, MI 48304
Dear Mr. Kaschkowe:
Enclosed are Harduff Stone=s invoices for services rendered through November 30, 2002. If you are having any financial difficulties which could interfere with your prompt payment of these bills, please contact our Emergency Collections Assistance Department (or simply fail to pay the bills within seven days). As a special service to his impoverished clients, Mr. Stone will send over a team of trained Collection Specialists who will aid you in qualifying for Social Security Disability benefits. (The cost of this Ahouse call@ will be added to the balance due on your account.)
Very empathetically yours,
Ron Awaiasissi
Collections Associate No. 279
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Harduff Stone and Associates
Lieyers and Conseallers
Michigan Office
Murder City Plaza
Suite 666
Destroid, Michigan 48226
(313) 555-8640
March 31, 2003
Rich Kaschkowe
355 Welthiputz Lane
Caucasian Hills, MI 48304
Dear Mr. Kaschkowe:
Enclosed is Harduff Stone=s invoice for services rendered through March 31, 2003. If you have not yet made arrangements for payment of this bill, we politely invite you to . . .
Kissar “Harry” Butz
Collections Associate No. 310
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Harduff Stone and Associates
Lieyers and Conseallers
Michigan Office
Murder City Plaza
Suite 666
Destroid, Michigan 48226
(313) 555-8640
July 31, 2003
Rich Kaschkowe
355 Welthiputz Lane
Caucasian Hills, MI 48304
Dear Mr. Kaschkowe:
Enclosed is Harduff Stone=s invoice for services rendered through July 31, 2003. Pursuant to a consent decree from the United States Department of Justice, we have instituted a new policy under which our first communication with debtors of Mr. Stone=s firm will be polite, professional, and non-threatening.
Very truly yours,
Neil Downenbegg Fayalife
Collections Associate No. 361
P.S. Pay or pain, it=s your choice. You filthy pathetic excuse for a human being. This is technically our second communication with you.
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Harduff Stone and Associates
Lieyers and Conseallers
Michigan Office
Murder City Plaza
Suite 666
Destroid, Michigan 48226
(313) 555-8640
November 30, 2003
Rich Kaschkowe
355 Welthiputz Lane
Caucasian Hills, MI 48304
Dear Mr. Kaschkowe:
Attached is Mr. Stone=s invoice for services rendered through November 30, 2003. I am also pleased to advise you that your status as a paying client of Mr. Stone has improved to the point where you are entitled to our AClass D@ client holiday reward of two prime horsemeat steaks (Afilly mignon@) and a bottle of fortified Bulgarian wine, and not to be threatened or insulted in our first billing letter.
Very truly yours,
Hewlough Z. Dungheeter
Collections Associate No. 412
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Harduff Stone and Associates
Lieyers and Conseallers
Michigan Office
Murder City Plaza
Suite 666
Destroid, Michigan 48226
(313) 555-8640
January 31, 2004
Rich Kaschkowe
355 Welthiputz Lane
Caucasian Hills, MI 48304
Dear Mr. Kaschkowe:
Attached is Mr. Stone’s invoice for services rendered through January 31, 2004. Mr. Stone advises me that people who fritter away all of their money on attorney fees are often stricken with suicidal bouts of remorse, and therefore we request that this bill be paid as soon as possible.
Very truly yours,
Wyden “Choo-Choo” Onnapisstell
Collections Associate No. 344
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Harduff Stone and Associates
Lieyers and Conseallers
Michigan Office
Murder City Plaza
Suite 666
Destroid, Michigan 48226
(313) 555-8640
May 31, 2004
Rich Kaschkowe
355 Welthiputz Lane
Caucasian Hills, MI 48304
Dear Mr. Kaschkowe:
Attached is Harduff Stone=s invoice for services rendered through May 31, 2004. In light of your poor payment history, Mr. Stone has revoked your five-day grace period, which is why you have already presumably been Ainterviewed@ by a member of our enforcement staff. Please ignore this bill if sufficient funds or property were already extracted from you during the interview process.
Very truly yours,
Wattamizz Rubble Phuleyahar
Collections Associate No. 359
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Harduff Stone and Associates
Lieyers and Conseallers
Michigan Office
Murder City Plaza
Suite 666
Destroid, Michigan 48226
(313) 555-8640
December 19, 2004
Rich Kaschkowe
355 Welthiputz Lane
Caucasian Hills, MI 48304
Dear Mr. Kaschkowe:
Attached are Harduff Stone=s invoices for services rendered through December 19, 2004. We are pleased to note your payment of two of these invoices before they were actually sent to you, which we attribute to our new Azero tolerance for deadbeats@ program. (Your innards will be promptly returned to you after payment of the other enclosed invoices.)
Very truly yours,
Hugh Guttlas Fink
Collections Associate No. 382
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Harduff Stone and Associates
Lieyers and Conseallers
Michigan Office
Murder City Plaza
Suite 666
Destroid, Michigan 48226
(313) 555-8640
June 27, 2005
Rich Kaschkowe
355 Welthiputz Lane
Caucasian Hills, MI 48304
Dear Mr. Kaschkowe:
Enclosed are Harduff Stone=s invoices for services rendered through June 27, 2005. As a special service to our favorite deadbeat clients, we are now offering a 10% discount on reattachment fees for any limbs and extremities we have occasion to remove in the course of our collection activities, which will commence imminently and without further notice on this account in the event payment is not received promptly.
Very truly yours,
Chopya Partzov
Collections Associate No. 433
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For the thrilling conclusion to this attorney-client relationship, don’t forget to check out “Harduff Stone Bids Farewell to an Old Client”!
